Will become president of the Unites States of America based on an extensive history of contributing to society. I will take this country on a path that shows that my humble ways are the best. My thanks to Lisa for typing this.
1998 to Present
* Strengthened safety procedures that resulted in 75% fewer accidents on days I was absent.
* Pioneered workplace stress-reduction methods that worked for at least one employee.
Chief of Police
2002 to 2002
* Broke up weasel-selling ring.
* Secured community support in almost-successful effort to expel organized crime from city.
2001 to 2001
* Engaged patrons in witty, whimsical, avuncular dialog covering topics such as the arts,
philosophy, politics, and spectator sports.
* Launched remodeling project that led to 100% reduction in clientele (including myself).
March 1997 to March 1997
* Implemented construction of elaborate pipe network to evade detection of authorities
* Self taught brewer/explosives expert
1994 to 1994
Averted in-flight disaster by forcing giant ants out of cockpit during space shuttle mission.
Owner, Chief Marketing Officer, and Chief Driver for Snow-Plowing Business
1992 to 1993
* Boosted business 15% by executing late-night TV marketing campaign targeting homeowners
who were too wasted to shovel their driveways.
* Deliberated at length before rescuing man trapped beneath mountain avalanche.
1990 to 1990
Generated 25% increase in fan interest and 50% jump in beer sales by leading cheers at home
games for minor league baseball team.
1988 to 1989
* I have mad skills operating the Shine-O-Ballo.
* Good customer service skills, except when I fired a shotgun to attract customers.
1985 to 1986
Lead singer and songwriter for the barbershop quartet, the Be Sharps. Won a grammy in 1985.
1981 to 1981
1981 to 1981
HS Diploma in College Prep
January 1970 to January 1974
Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Service in the Field of Excellence
Thanks to Lisa, Pongo, Chris and Laura for helping me with my resume.