How To Respectfully Decline a Reference Request

How to reject someone nicely

Decline the reference request diplomatically without making the person feel like you are rejecting them professionally or leveling criticism at them should be your overarching concern. You don’t want to offend the person, especially when they are in the vulnerable stage of looking for another job or are already undergoing the interview process for a potential new job.

Since this person took the opportunity to ask you for a reference or a letter of recommendation, there’s a good chance that they respect and admire you professionally and even personally. Do this person the courtesy of not hurting their feelings or puncturing their professional ego while at the same time making it clear that you will not be their reference.

How to decline a reference request if you don’t know the person well enough

It’s not uncommon for someone who you don’t know enough about to request a reference from you. Perhaps this person looks up to you. Or maybe they’re asking you because, even though they don’t know you that well, they think your job title is impressive and that it would impress potential new employers.

Even if your work does legitimately overlap with theirs, you may not know enough about their regular job duties and job performance to confidently recommend them for a position at a new company. If this is the case, you certainly don’t want to put your own professional reputation on the line by casually giving a reference for someone you don’t truly know.

You can respond to this person’s reference request with something like the following example:

I appreciate you asking to use me as a reference, but I don’t feel I know you well enough to be a strong reference. You deserve to receive a thorough reference from someone who is more familiar with your work than I am. Ultimately, it will be more helpful for you to ask someone else to be a reference for you as you seek new employment.

How to decline a reference request if you know the person well

When someone you do know requests a reference from you, this can be a more awkward situation. The person may present something apparent that makes you uncomfortable acting as a reference, or maybe you simply don’t wish to do so. In such a case, there may be more potential for hurting the person’s feelings. Nevertheless, you should still be polite but firm in your rejection. Leaving any wiggle room may allow the person to continue asking you after you’ve respectfully said “no.”

In this case, the following example can help you respond to the reference request:

Thank you for asking me to act as a job reference. While I do appreciate your request to use me as a reference, I ultimately do not feel that I would be the best person to do so. I also feel that you deserve a recommendation from someone who can better speak to your professional capabilities, so I am sorry, but I do have to decline your request.

If you feel comfortable recommending that they ask a specific person — for instance, saying something such as, “Perhaps you want to ask your supervisor, Joe Smith?” — then you may want to do so here. But keep in mind that this might prolong the conversation between you both, so you might want to avoid recommending someone specific if you aren’t interested in continuing the conversation.

Tips for declining a reference request

Don’t say “yes” just because you’re too embarrassed to say “no.” This situation can be awkward — very few people are comfortable saying no to someone, especially if you’re concerned that it might affect someone’s livelihood. But you’re not obligated to give someone a reference if it makes you uncomfortable.
Don’t put it off. Even though you’re under no obligation to say “yes,” you are obligated to give the person a prompt “no” so that they can find another person to be a reference. Even if it’s uncomfortable to say “no” to them, your discomfort in responding is an unfair reason to put off responding to the other person.
Be brief in your response. Don’t feel the need to over-explain why you are declining. For one reason, writing a long response is not worth your time if you plan to decline. For another reason, the more you rationalize it at length, the more you open up the chance for the person to try to get you to reconsider.
Never criticize. It’s much better to put the explanation for the decision on yourself — that is, say statements such as, “I don’t think I know you well enough” instead of “You haven’t shown that you have the skills for me to recommend you for this job.”

Your company may prohibit you from being a reference

Regardless of whether you want to be a reference for someone, you should check always check with your employer’s HR policies before providing a reference or a letter of recommendation. Your company may not allow it in the first place. Some companies prohibit giving out references due to liability issues from the prospect of employees suing over negative references. Instead, such companies will only confirm the length of someone’s employment without providing details about their performance, skills and work ethic.

Reference letter template when declining a reference request

When declining a reference request, you can use a reference letter template to ease the situation to remain respectful and professional. Here is a letter template example you can apply to the scenarios this article covers:

[Your name]
[Your title]
[Company name]
[Company address}
[Your work phone number]
[Your work email address]

Dear [recipient’s name],

Thank you for reaching out to me to be a reference. While I appreciate your request, I do not feel that I would be an appropriate reference for you.

I believe that you deserve to receive a reference from the person best positioned to help you in your future endeavors. I suggest you instead ask someone who has closer knowledge of your work and can better speak to your qualifications.

I wish you nothing but the best of luck in your future ventures.

Sincerely,

[Your name]
[Your title]